Sunday, September 19, 2004

Dear Mr. Ethics

Dear Mr. Ethics,

I am adamantly against anybody getting a free lunch or taking a hand-out. That’s because I’m an American!

I’m a firm believer in the free enterprise system. Luckily, I was born into a strong capitalist family from Connecticut. My dad went to Andover, an expensive private school, so I did too, even though I was a crummy student, which I made up for by showing my entrepreneurial spirit by founding the stickball league and forming a betting syndicate while I was there. I guess I showed them!

I didn’t have the grades I needed to get into Yale, but luckily my dad went to Yale so they let me in, and even though my grades were crap I stayed there four years or I would have had to go to Vietnam. Then, when I got out, guess what? My dad knew a General in the Air National Guard and got me budged in line ahead of five hundred other young guys trying to get into the Guard to stay out of Vietnam, just like me, only their dad didn’t know the General. Boy was that nice! I wonder where those five hundred guys are now.

So anyway, I went to Alabama instead of the jungle, but Alabama is really hot too, so I went to Florida for most of the time, and when my superior officer called I just told him to talk to the General, who was a friend of my dad. But at least I learned how to fly and didn’t even have to pay for the lessons!

So then I went into the oil business. O.K. I crapped out a few times, but each time, voila! somebody came along and had a bunch of money they wanted to pay my debts with. I will never forget Ahmed Mohammed ibn Whatsisname, another friend of my dad’s!

So finally I got on the Board of Directors of a big oil company because I was so smart about the oil business. I was on the audit committee, which was lucky because I heard the whole business was about to crap out, so I quick sold my shares and copped a cool half million! But I forgot to tell the Feds, who are a bunch of busybodies anyway. Luckily the guy who they sic-ed on me for insider trading was a friend of my dad’s and he gave me a pass, so I took the money and bought a baseball team!

The really brilliant thing I did next was get the government to pay for a brand new stadium for my baseball team. They did it and I didn’t spend a dime and my team was suddenly worth a ton! I got really rich and all I had to do was go to ball games and eat peanuts!

So then I decided that the woman who was governor was a real bitch because she’d made fun of my dad, so I ran against her in the election and I whipped her but good, mostly because I got lots of money from all those friends who’d helped me because they knew my dad. Did I say my dad was president? Well he was, and that didn’t hurt either. Boy, people who wanted to do anything I didn’t like really had to watch out! I was going to make a lot of people pay for it now! But that’s what America is all about, isn’t it? If you have everything it’s your God-given right to piss on everybody who tries to take it away from you.

So then, guess what? I ran for President of the United States! I had to debate the other guy, but I stunk so bad that everybody felt sorry for me and hated the other guy for being such a smartypants. And besides I had lots of really super smart people to help me, and they knew how to take bad people’s votes away, and people who had the same name as bad people, and they also tricked a lot of people into voting for people they didn’t want to, and when the guy I was running against got more votes and was being a sore loser, a bunch of my dad’s friends who worked for Congress flew down to Florida at taxpayers’ expense and formed a mob and attacked the people who were trying to count the votes to take the election away from me. And finally the judges my dad had put in their jobs came through and told the other side that counting the votes would hurt me, so they’d better stop!

And I became President! Which means I get to pay back all the people who helped me and I get to really pay back all the people who have tried to be mean to me in my life. And because I had all of my dad’s friends to help me I hardly had to do any thinking or working at all, they did all that for me! America is the greatest country in the world, because we make sure the right people get to do the things they are entitled to do, which is why I am against any kind of preferential treatment for people who don’t deserve it! Isn’t it wrong and un-American to have special treatment for people who don’t deserve it?



Blogger Sherri said...

could it really be you, George W. Bush II???????? Oh my Lord---are you telling us the truth?? what about all the other stories we've heard?? Have we finally got it out of the horses mouth (or ass????)!

11:36 AM  

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