Monday, September 27, 2004

Lincoln Is A Boring Know-It-All

Abraham Lincoln is boring and ugly and lacks charm and nobody should vote for him. He is too tall to be President, and he doesn’t smile enough. Shouldn’t we expect a President to be fun? How can anyone expect a one-term congressman this ugly, this calm, this boringly intelligent, to be anything but a lousy President of the United States? He behaves like a grownup. Who wants a grownup in charge? Not me.

His Presidential campaign is the butt of jokes in the press. Does he really expect us to report honest news about him when his opponent’s writers are so much better at inventing colorful lies that sell newspapers? Lincoln feeds us nourishing food, but the other side gives us better liquor. Mr. Lincoln hasn’t even answered the disturbing charges that he is descended from baboons (on his father’s side). How can we believe anything else the man says while these charges linger, unchallenged in long difficult denials that we can then pick apart in lengthy entertaining articles with faked photographs? Can he prove he is not descended from baboons? I challenge Mr. Lincoln’s campaign to produce a single baboon who will deny, in writing, that he is a cousin of the candidate from Illinois. Saying that these charges originate with disreputable, lying, grafting, underworld cronies of his rival only beg the question. If he’s so smart, why hasn’t Mr. Lincoln devised anything as colorful or outrageous to throw at the other candidate? Is he too decent to be entertaining? Is he too dainty to play ball? And what does that say about the rest of us? Is he insulting us? What has he ever done for us? How can anyone vote for someone who is unwilling to throw mud? How else are we to sell newspapers?

How can we have any confidence in a candidate for President who is unwilling to engage in lies and smears to get into the office? All that he has offered in return are facts. And they are ugly hurtful facts, which embarrass his opponent and make him cry himself to sleep every night and Mr. Lincoln should be ashamed. Mr. Lincoln’s whole argument rests upon the well known charges that the candidate of the other party is irresponsible, spendthrift, reckless, uninformed, arrogant, irresponsible, incompetent and charming. Everybody knows that, and nobody cares. The fact that Mr. Lincoln’s opponent pulled strings to keep his sorry hide out of the War with Mexico, that he avoided his sworn obligations repeatedly, that he is a serial business failure and has repeatedly been bailed out by his family’s wealthy friends in exchange for political favors, that he traded on inside information to sell stock, that he wasted the best years of his manhood in hard drinking and bad behavior, only makes us love him more. None of this makes us like Mr. Lincoln, who does look a lot like a baboon, if you have seen any of the pictures in our paper.

That Mr. Lincoln’s opponent is a nincompoop, an empty suit, and a selfish, self-satisfied cad, works beautifully to his advantage, because it confirms Mr. Lincoln’s unattractive reputation as a goody-goody and a poindexter. It only demonstrates the cleverness of Mr. Lincoln’s opponent’s campaign, which we can all admire.

Everybody hated Mr. Lincoln in the debates. He knew everything and said it well. His answers were to the point, but he used too many large words and explained too many complicated things in a way that made them seem complicated. Nobody likes a know-it-all. It was a very bad moment when Mr. Lincoln pointed out that his opponent didn’t know the capital of the nation he had just invaded, bankrupting the national Treasury. Everybody was on his opponent’s side when Mr. Lincoln made him cry.

Mr. Lincoln’s voice could peel paint. Did you know that he disappointed thousands of people who had come out in the rain to hear a speech, and had stood around for hours in the wet, by delivering a two minute speech that he’d written on the back of an envelope? Everybody was terribly terribly disappointed by this and most of the papers had to fill the additional space by reprinting a fictionalized biography of Lincoln’s baboon ancestors that had already run in most papers the day before. This was very inconvenient and a waste of paper in a time of war. I understand that Lincoln’s baboon ancestors immigrated from a part of Africa that is French.

As soon as television is invented you will all be sorry. Then you’ll know how right we were to endorse the man who was more fun, and looked cuter in pictures. Mr. Lincoln’s handsome opponent will look better on stamps and currency. Is it any of your business that he’s a mean and vengeful person in real life? The fact that Mr. Lincoln’s opponent masterminded his famous daddy’s notorious smear campaigns, stooping to lows of political half-truth and calumny that have forever coarsened and fouled the way politics operates in this country, only serve to prove that he is the kind of leader this country deserves.

J.W.Booth, Special to the Washington Gazette (and Slaveholders’ Digest)

(©Pasquino 2004)


Blogger Dmp31416 said...

It's a nice piece about Lincoln, but in the past few years, an irony has occurred to me.

What if Lincoln had said good-by and good ridance (sp?) to the Confederate States?

No Civil War, and perhaps the seeds of today's polarized society were sown then.
Many people believe that a war over slavery was inevitable at the time that the Constitution was written, and it took almost 90 years to happen.

Of course, had Lincoln taken that route, slavery would have persisted in the Confederate States of America for awhile, but in the long run, I don't think the economy of the South could have survived for very long without the benefit of trade with the North.

Eventually, I think the two nations would have merged again, but without the deep feelings that we have had to deal with for the last 150 years. I often speculate on just when the demise of slavery would have occurred in that scenario, but of course, having come to a fork in the road and taken a path, one can never go back to see where the other path would lead.

9:46 AM  

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