Sunday, November 07, 2004

It’s Really Happening. Try To Enjoy It.

This is really happening. It’s real and it’s official. Bush is still president. There is no point in arguing about it. Worrying about whether it should have come out like this is so yesterday. It isn’t good to think too much about things like this. Did it really happen the way everybody says? Don’t be an idiot, of course it happened: you saw it on TV and TV doesn’t lie. If you see it on TV it is automatically true.

Stop asking stupid questions. Stop arguing. Don’t fight the reality. Learn to live with it. Try to behave like a grownup. President Bush’s new nominee to head The Office of Women’s and Minority Rights, Robert Knight said it better than anybody: “If the rape is inevitable you should just lie back and enjoy it.” That is very good advice. Take it. Accept it. Go with it. Face facts. It’s happening. Facing facts is what made America great. Fact: George Bush is our ruler. More about what that implies later.

We are a fact-based culture. America loves facts. What is IS and always shall be, amen. Is it true? Like factually true? Get a life. Of course it’s true. How come? Because. It was on TV, wasn’t it? You saw it with your own two eyes. Are you blind? What wasn’t true is the part they reported and backed off on, the part where voters were exit-polled and Kerry was winning big in Florida, Ohio, Nevada, New Mexico, Iowa and everyplace else except the places where it is still legal to own other people. They lied. The bit about Kerry winning in a landslide was an absolute dirty lie that nobody should have believed for a minute. Once you accept that reality, that everybody was lying when they came out of the polls on Tuesday, it is easy to get to the actual truth that most people voted for Bush even if they said they didn’t. Voters are notorious liars. Lucky for us they left the truth inside specially-made electronic machines that never lie. That’s where the truth is kept: on electronic machines controlled by God. Then on early Wednesday the truth came out. I read it with my own two eyes on the Drudge Report. And I knew.

Since Wednesday everybody has been telling the complete truth. When you saw Bush saying he won, that was the truth; it really happened. He really did say it because everybody heard him say it on TV. “I won.” And Kerry really did concede. He called the president. I can show you the phone records if you want to make a big deal out of it. That was not faked. We have it on videotape.

Here’s where we stand: People went to vote on Tuesday. They voted. They lied to everybody when they came out of the voting booth (except in the states where Kerry won, which are populated by people who do not believe in God and hate America.) Luckily their actual votes were recorded on electronic machines incapable of lying, and the numbers from those electronic machines were written down by special government workers in indelible ink and are being kept extra-safe in secret locations where nobody will ever find them. What possible motive could those machines have to lie? Machines don’t lie. They don’t even care. They hardly ever even make mistakes. And wherever the numbers are mixed up, like more people voting for Bush in some places than there are people in those places, there’s probably a simple explanation, and it doesn’t matter anyway because he won and Kerry conceded and we saw it on TV.

The important thing to remember is what really happened really happened. If you don’t believe me go read it in the newspaper. Go watch the TV. The results are in. So now the Democrats are all unhappy. Why? Because they are losers again, and losers will say anything. Sore losers are the worst kind. Don’t you hate sore losers? Sore losers can’t face facts. Winners embrace facts. Fact: George Bush won the election. How do we know? They announced it on TV. No more questions. Everybody can go home now and await further instructions.

How do we know for sure he won? Because he did. He won he won he won he won he won he won he won he won he won. Go home and shut up and stop bothering me.

Should he have won? What a stupid question. Monday morning quarterbacking is so unattractive. Only babies ask for do-overs. Nobody likes that. Nobody is helped by that. Do you have any idea how much a question like that embarrasses our troops? How does dredging all that up help anyone? Closure is what America needs now. The people have spoken and Bush won. Now go home and quit annoying people. Go home and take your medicine. Go home like a big baby and call all your friends on the telephone, it won’t change anything. How come? Because you are all a bunch of losers and nobody believes losers anyway any more than they believe people who lie about how they voted.

Why don’t people like losers? Because they’re losers. I am so tired of all the negativism I am hearing from blue state people. Iraq is half full! It’s a great success! Hello! Everybody loves America except the people who hate us for our freedoms, like Michael Moore. God told George Bush to invade Iraq. God wants him to be president again so he can really, really finish things off in Iraq where everybody hates us. And then he can make sure that all of the other things people wouldn’t let him talk about during the election get done and done good so they can never be undone. Amen.

George W. Bush doesn’t even really care how unpopular these things are because he doesn’t look at polls. He doesn't care what people think, because he's in charge. He's the ruler, remember? He doesn’t care what the newspapers say because he doesn’t read them. He listens to his gut and to Dick and nobody else. Why? Because people lie all the time, even to the president of the United States, so he doesn’t trust anybody, except his friends who give him money, which is smart, which means polls can be wrong, except when they’re done on specially-made electronic machines, closely monitored by trustworthy friends of the president, with no paper trail to mess things up afterwards. No do-overs.

And now that he’s won again he doesn’t even care what anybody says and he can do whatever he wants. And nobody can say anything about it. They can all just shut up. And if he doesn’t want to nobody can make him. He can do anything he feels like, because he’s the most important man in the whole wide world. He is the President. How come? Because the machines say so. And the machines were made by people he knows really, really well, and they said they would work perfectly just like they were meant to work, and they did. So there. And that’s all I’m going to say about it. And if you don’t like it, well, tough toenails. The other guys who liked the other guy better must really like losers, because that’s what he is. Those spoilsports and traitors who were trying to take it all away, ended up losing after all, and Bush won, and there’s nothing they can do about it no matter how hard they try.


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