Thursday, October 02, 2008

Palin Debate Critique

I realize I immediately lost credibility by using a French word in the subject line, but that may be our problem. Democrats lose by seeming more intelligent than attractive Republican incompetents who ordinary people would like to drink with. George W. Bush is a doorknob, he was a doorknob four years ago, he was a doorknob eight years ago, he was a doorknob when he cratered a series of private companies and was bailed out by friends of his dad's, but many Americans are doorknobs and feel more comfortable with others who have doorknobbish characteristics... oh, mistake, a five syllable word. Sorry.

Let me begin again.

Sarah Palin is a wacko crazy power-abusing nincompoop who prays for the world to end soon.

That is a soundbite. It also fits the perceptions of the American people. But if Joe Biden uses a soundbite, he shouldn't use that one because it's mean, and it's always wrong to be unkind to a woman––unless the woman is married to a Democratic candidate. Or is a Democratic candidate herself, in which case she can be called a be-otch repeatedly until she's out of the race at which point the Republicans who called her that can reap the eager votes of all her supporters. It is never considered mean for a cute American Republican to call a Democrat an elitist, which is also a French word.

Is this sounding fair to you?

Feminism is complicated. In this election, choosing an incompetent, inexperienced anti-feminist ultra-conservative woman who can see Russia and favors charging rape victims for the cost of investigating the crime they are a victim of, has given racists all over America the opportunity to say they are feminists. Think of it. Set aside the white hood and put on a pink ribbon!

Some are saying Sarah Palin is brave to enter this debate tonight. I think Joe Biden is the brave one, because cute always wins on America's Got Talent. If she cries, she will immediately be crowned Vice President and Joe Biden will be a hated man. If she doesn't drool, Sarah Palin will be described as admirably prepared.

Poised is another word you will hear. It is a word often used to describe beauty contestants. Bank robbers are often described as poised, so are murderers awaiting sentencing, so are con-artists, sociopaths, vacuum cleaner salesmen, and CEO's who you only realize afterwards were defrauding the company of millions. Politicians are poised on their good days. Tigers poise before they murder small woodland animals and tear them apart with their enormous teeth. You never know when a pit bull is poised to strike. Pit bulls are not as intelligent as humans but they usually win in a fight. Does this matter? Are you confused?

This election hinges on how confused Americans can be.

Republicans like us to be confused. Confused about our feelings. Confused about which side our bread is buttered on. (It's the side that is yellow.) Confused enough to think we get too much from the government and bazillionaires get too little. Confused about how old the earth is. Confused about whether Barack Obama is really a Christian or just goes to church to confuse us. Confused about right and wrong. As they did four and eight years ago Republicans are busy confusing voters about where they should vote and on what day. In Colorado and Virginia they are trying to confuse college students by telling them they cannot vote where they go to school, but must travel home to vote or lose their scholarships. In Michigan they are telling people who've lost their homes to foreclosure that they lost their voting rights at the same time. When confusion doesn't work, large red FELONY signs at polling places plant fear. Fear and confusion are the Republican trump cards.

My second biggest fear is Sarah Palin becomes president partway through a McCain presidency. My biggest fear is that McCain, the last angry man, will have time to precipitate some terrible disasters all on his own. But, heck, he's a war hero, and she's cute as a button. That's always been enough before. Actually, it didn't win four years ago. Maybe there's hope after all.


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