Monday, December 12, 2005

Judith Miller: Secret Agent

In the waning days of the first Gulf War a chic, slender woman “of a certain age”, dressed attractively in desert khaki, was taken by Army Rangers to an undisclosed quadrant in the Saudi desert. (This area does not appear on maps.) Here she was stripped, anaesthetized, sterilized, shaved and stunned with a secret ninja hold to the neck, whereupon a microchip bearing the phone numbers of several very important persons, whose names cannot be divulged, were inserted beneath her right clavicle exactly where she had worn a small scar from a painful hickey received in junior high, after which the eldest son of the sitting president, wearing a mask, marked her in a secret place using a red hot coat hanger. In this time honored fashion was Judith Miller inducted into the exclusive, top secret ranks of Special Agents of a very secret Presidential order which we are not at liberty to name.

This of course is a top secret post, with secret decoder ring and everything.

We are told she has a special uniform, with cape and mask (perhaps it is a cowl, like Batgirl's), which she keeps in a secret closet in her apartment in a leafy D.C. neighborhood. It is so perfectly tailored that she can wear it under her clothes with out unsightly bunching.

Did we explain that she lives in an exclusive neighborhood? She does. People who are close to the President live in very exclusive neighborhoods for their protection.

(We are not at liberty to disclose that neighborhood or we might blow her cover, endangering the careers and livelihoods of other secret agents of the President. One of them is called Mr. A.)

We should probably call it her lair. Because that's what it is. Ms. Miller has impeccable taste so the decor is probably to die for, although we haven't seen it; practically no one has. The Defense Secretary wrote a poem about it. He is a frequent late night visitor. Agent Miller is afraid of parking ramps.

She is a special friend of people in the highest circles of power, but only the most powerful and tip top secret persons visit her in her lair, and only when there is some super special Presidential game afoot.

When they have special messages they wish to impart to the public via Agent Judy these top minions of the President and the Vice contact Judy Miller by secret telephone or by projecting a symbol known only to her into the nighttime sky using a powerful searchlight. Then she knows that a capsule containing a coded script might be passed to her under the table at the next exclusive dinner party she attends.

She will read the secret Presidential message under the table and then swallow it whole.

You have to have a special top-secret pair of glasses to see the secret symbol projected on the clouds. Judith Miller is also an honorary Army Ranger. The secret eyewear is like those night goggles they wear, only less bulky, to complement her petite sculpted features.

We have heard that Judith Miller, or as we like to call her, Commander X, enjoys the use of a top secret White House credit card which gives her instant clearance beyond velvet ropes and into first class on airplanes, even Air Force One, as well as entitling her to complementary chocolates hidden under the seat cushions in odd-numbered D.C. and N.Y. taxicabs, although she usually prefers a limousine. Only she and a few other people know about the chocolates, which she is not at liberty to share. The limousine drivers know her by name, but have no idea what top-secret missions she fulfills.

She and the Vice President and Mr. A have a secret handshake.

Commander X has a Swiss bank account, the secret code to which involves the private names she has given to her pets, which we are not at liberty to disclose or it might compromise the safety of her pets. Innocent animal lives must never be put in danger in the pursuit of liberty and justice.

Commander X also has fully vested options in KBR and other companies, which she is instructed to exercise in the event of a nuclear attack.

Commander X has switchblades in the toes of her shoes, just like Frau Klebb in James Bond. Miller had to have the shoes specially fitted because her feet are attractively petite.

Her eyelashes are rigged with razor wire. Her elbows were surgically implanted with concussion grenades prior to her being embedded with the Special Forces in Iraq.

She knows how to garrot an opponent of the President using her string of matched pearls, which are specially strung on high-test titanium used by the astronauts in outer space.

She has eyes in the back of her head.

In January, Matthew Cooper and Judith Miller were pitted against each other in a contest of martial arts in a top secret handball court deep under the White House. Agency heads and their dates were invited. The combatants were given choice of weapons. Cooper chose ninja stars. Miller eschewed all weapons, save her cobalt eyes and her vermillion lips and her elbows with the concussion grenades. Miller prevailed with two pins and an escape. Cooper has worn a hangdog look ever since.

Agent Miller, Commander X, has a specially designed micro-sized i-book surgically implanted in her lap. Evenings when she dines alone at Sans Souci, she can be seen typing her articles into it underneath the table. These behaviors only make her seem more mysterious to the ordinary people around her. She derives a secret pleasure from this.

Sadly, but not surprisingly, special agents of the government have little time for a private life. "I am a bit of a lone wolf," Ms. Miller said recently, on deep background, to a colleague who refuses to be named. It's been said Ms. Miller and Kiefer Sutherland (of FoxTV's "24") are not dating, but remain friends. Mr. Sutherland describes Ms. Miller's techniques as superior to those of Jennifer Garner, in a classified sense. Reports at the highest level have stated that Garner's hair style in the new season has been modeled after that of Judith Miller in an effort to shore up freedom around the world.

In a private conversation about Judith Miller, Britt Hume of Fox News said "access is the ultimate aphrodisiac." Hume and Miller are seldom seen together in public.