Saturday, November 08, 2008

Norm Coleman's Cupcake

As his lead in the Minnesota Senate race dwindled to 221 votes out of 2.4 million cast, Norm Coleman's campaign's attempt to delay the counting of absentee vote in Minneapolis was denied by a St. Paul judge. In a related story, this statement was released by the Norm Coleman campaign earlier this evening. Possibly.

Norm Coleman wants everyone to understand that the last cupcake belongs to him. He licked it, so nobody else gets to have it, even if nobody actually wrote "Norm Coleman" on it in special icing, and even though November 4th wasn't his birthday, it was a very special day and Norm was really looking forward to it and now it's spoiled and we hope you're all really proud of yourselves for ruining everything.

Never mind. It's HIS cupcake. Norm Coleman's personal property. So shut up. No dibs, no do-overs, no crying to Mom.

And Al Franken is a big baby for saying we need to count all the votes. If those votes say Al Franken on them it's tough toenails because they don't count and Al Franken is a sore loser who should just go home and say he's sorry.

Do we make ourselves clear? NO COUNTING OF ALL THE VOTES! Because that's not the way Republicans play the game in the real parts of America.

If some votes weren't counted on Tuesday before Norm went to bed they don't count. Ever! It's just too bad. They should have thought of that before. Who cares anyway?

If some Communist-appointed judge who doesn't believe in God says those absentee ballots from Minneapolis are allowed then he (or she) is just wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong.

And if Al Franken keeps on trying to get all the votes counted he's going to be really really sorry, because Norm Coleman's got friends who are BIG IMPORTANT LAWYERS and they'll make sure nobody ever takes this senate seat away from him, because it's his and it doesn't belong to anyone else especially Al Franken. So LAY OFF!

And if you don't stop, Norm Coleman will get really really mad and he'll tell everyone you're being unfair, and everyone will hate you because you did this mean thing and made Norm Coleman cry and hurt his feelings.

The really graceful thing would be for Al Franken and his mean friends who want to count the votes to say they're really sorry and they didn't mean it and Norm Coleman can keep his senate seat and say it nicely and go home and mind their own business before Norm gets REALLY mad or has his friends sue them again or beat them up because that's how we do things in America.

So there. Shut up.


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